What is the Drama Triangle?

Do you constantly put other people’s needs above your own? Perhaps you feel hopeless or powerless in certain situations or with particular people? Do you always have to be ‘right’ or in control of a situation?

You are probably trapped in the Drama Triangle…

What is it?

First described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s, the Drama Triangle is a way to understand the different roles we can play if we are in conflict in our relationships with others and/or situations in our lives.

There are 3 roles: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. The Victim feels powerless, the Persecutor make the victim feel helpless, the Rescuer tries to ‘fix’ the victim’s problem.

It’s important to understand that when you are in the Drama Triangle with someone else, you can move from one role to another throughout your relationship with them, sometimes, even through a single interaction.

For example:
Person A (Victim): “I wanted to make some food but Person C (Persecutor) hasn’t done the washing up from when they cooked.”

Person B (Rescuer): “Oh ok, I can stop what I’m doing and do the washing up for you. Person C must have run out of time before they left.”

Person A (Victim changing to Persecutor): “What’s the point? They never think of me and you always stick up for them!”

Person B (Rescuer changing to Victim): “That’s not fair! I’m only trying to help.”

Person A (Persecutor changing to Victim): “I’m never appreciated, its so unfair.”

Person B (Persecutor changing to Victim): “I can never win with you, you’re impossible. I give up.”

Notice the shifts that occur for each person, they move around the triangle very quickly. Ultimately they both end up in the Victim role, if this dynamic continues it will cause a lot of stress and more conflict in their relationship.

The three roles in more detail

Victim - someone who feels helpless and usually gives up on a situation or relationship with a feeling of defeat, perhaps with a feeling of either “this always happens to me” or “poor me”. The victim places blame on a persecutor and seeks validates that their situation is hopeless.

Persecutor - can be a person or a situation (health or environment) who makes the victim feel helpless. Persecutors don’t like feeling helpless and so they want to exert control over a situation or person with very little empathy for them.

Rescuer - also known as a “People Pleaser”, the rescuer wants to “fix” the victim’s problem - usually underneath this surface motivation, there is an unconscious desire to be seen and validated. Rescuers can put the victim’s needs above their own, not only can this lead to resentment of having to put other people first all the time, it also leaves the victim with less power as they solve the problem and not the victim.

Flipping the triangle - escaping the drama

In 2005, David Emerald wrote a book (The Power of TED - The Empowerment Dynamic) and published a new model that flips the triangle and changes roles to their positive alternatives. This new model encourages people stuck in the Drama Triangle to change their perspective so that they feel empowered and motivated.

The Victim becomes a Creator - someone who knows they can choose how to respond to life’s challenges. Rather than feeling hopeless, they focus on solutions to their problems and take positive action, one step at a time.

The Persecutor becomes a Challenger - someone who purposefully encourages someone to learn and grow, even when times are difficult. Importantly, a challenger doesn’t criticise or blame, instead choosing to inspire and motivate others.

The Rescuer becomes a Coach - someone who supports a Creator with their challenges rather than trying to solve their problems. The Coach provides space for the Creator to learn about themselves by being curious and asking questions - ultimately helping the Creator to find their own solutions.

By reframing the roles we play in the Drama Triangle into positive alternatives it can provide another point of view when looking at a relationship/situation. Rather than feeling negative and hopeless, it provides motivation and encouragement from all roles to better understand ourselves and empower us to make positive changes in our lives.