The Drama Triangle
How to Spot the Drama Triangle, and Step Out of It
Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Or bending over backwards to help someone, only to end up feeling drained and frustrated? Maybe you’ve felt powerless in a difficult situation, like nothing you do makes a difference.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might be caught in something called the Drama Triangle.
At Roles We Play, I often help people spot these patterns and find better ways to respond, once you can see how the Drama Triangle works, you can step out of it and move into healthier relationships.
What is the Drama Triangle?
The Drama Triangle is a pattern of interaction where people take on one of three roles: Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer. It usually shows up when there’s tension or conflict, and the tricky thing? We often move between these roles without realising.
Here’s how it works:
Victim: Feels powerless and stuck. Thinks, “This always happens to me,” or “I can’t do anything about it.”
Persecutor: Comes across as critical or controlling. Blames, judges, or pressures others.
Rescuer: Jumps in to “fix” things. Does too much for others, often ignoring their own needs.
These roles feed off each other and people often swap between them, which keeps the cycle going.
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Here’s an everyday example:
Person A (Victim): “I was going to cook dinner, but Person C still hasn’t done the washing up.”
Person B (Rescuer): “I’ll do it for you. Don’t worry. Person C probably just forgot.”
Person A (now Persecutor): “Why should I bother? They never think about me—and you always take their side!”
Person B (now Victim): “That’s not fair. I’m only trying to help!”
See how quickly the roles shift? It starts with frustration but soon blame and hurt feelings take over, this back-and-forth creates stress and often leads to bigger arguments.
The Three Roles in the Drama Triangle
Let’s dive a bit deeper into each role to understand how they show up in our lives:
The Victim:
The Victim often feels overwhelmed, unable to cope with what’s going on. They see themselves as powerless and often feel like the world is unfair. Instead of looking for solutions, they focus on the problem and may look for someone else to blame.The Persecutor:
The Persecutor can be an actual person (like a boss or a critical friend) or even a situation (like a demanding job or personal stress). They tend to create pressure, making others feel bad or inadequate. The Persecutor seeks to control, often with little empathy for others’ feelings.The Rescuer:
The Rescuer wants to help and fix things, but they often do this at the cost of their own well-being. The intention is good, to help the Victim, but the result is that the Rescuer ends up sacrificing their needs and enabling the Victim to remain stuck in their helplessness.
Flipping the Drama Triangle: The Empowered Alternative
In 2005, a researcher named David Emerald introduced a new way of thinking about the Drama Triangle. He proposed flipping the triangle on its head, giving each role a more empowered and healthy counterpart. This new model can help you shift from these negative cycles and take back control of your relationships.
1. Victim becomes Creator
Instead of feeling helpless, the Creator understands they can choose how to respond to life’s challenges. Creators see obstacles as opportunities to find solutions and move forward with confidence, they take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, focusing on what they can control.
Ask yourself: “What’s one thing I can change right now?”
2. Persecutor becomes Challenger
The Challenger is someone who motivates and encourages growth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Rather than criticizing or blaming, a Challenger helps others face their challenges head-on, providing support and encouragement in a way that inspires progress, not fear.
Say: “I know you can handle this,” instead of, “You’re doing it wrong.”
3. Rescuer becomes Coach
The Coach supports others by asking thoughtful questions and encouraging them to find their own solutions. Coaches avoid solving problems for others; instead, they empower people to come up with their own answers. This role allows the Creator to take ownership of their situation, fostering self-confidence and personal growth.
Try: “What do you think would help?”
Simple Ways to Break Free
Notice Your Role: Are you rescuing, blaming, or feeling stuck?
Shift Perspective: What role would feel more helpful to you or the other person?
Communicate Differently: Ask open questions instead of giving advice.
Set Boundaries: Rescuers, this one’s for you! Support others without losing yourself.
Why It Matters
These patterns are common. We all slip into them sometimes, but learning to recognise the Drama Triangle, and step out of it, can change how you relate to others.
In my counselling practice in Beckenham, and through online therapy, clients often find it helpful to explore these patterns and discover healthier ways to connect.
➤ If you’re curious about starting therapy, here’s What to Expect from Your First Therapy Session.
Ready to Explore This in Your Own Life?
If you’re noticing these roles in your relationships and want to work through them, I can help. At Roles We Play, I offer counselling in Beckenham and online for individuals looking to create healthier, more empowered relationships.
👉 Get in touch here to book a session or find out more.
