Why Your Relationship With Yourself Shapes Every Other One
Most people don’t come to therapy saying they want to work on their relationship with themselves.
They come because something isn’t working with other people. It might be a partner, an ex, a parent, or a colleague. It might be arguments that feel strangely familiar, as though you’ve had them before in different forms. It might be always being the one who gives more, fixes more, absorbs more. Or feeling anxious, unseen, or easily hurt in relationships without fully understanding why.
Many people seek therapy for relationship difficulties without realising that the deeper work often centres on their relationship with themselves.
So therapy usually starts with what’s happening between you and other people.
Starting With Relationship Patterns
In the early stages of therapy, we look at current and past relationships and the patterns that show up again and again.
Who are you drawn to?
What roles do you tend to take on?
When do you shut down, overthink, withdraw, or react quickly?
As we explore these questions, patterns begin to emerge and, spoiler alert, those patterns rarely appeared out of nowhere.
They often make sense in the context of how you grew up, what was expected of you, and how emotions were responded to around you.
At this stage, therapy can feel practical and clarifying as it can help you understand why you react the way you do, and often reduces the self-criticism that comes with feeling “too sensitive” or “too much.”
This is an important part of therapy for relationship patterns as it gives us the map.
Where the Deeper Work Begins
Over time, attention starts to turns inward, and not in a self-focused or self-blaming way, but in a curious one.
Curiosity is one of my favourite words in therapy, because with it, we begin to notice how the same dynamics that play out in relationships with others also exist internally.
The way you speak to yourself under pressure.
The part of you that pushes on, even when you’re exhausted.
The part that feels small, anxious, or easily overwhelmed.
For example, someone who feels criticised by a partner may discover that there is already a harsh or demanding voice inside them. Or someone who struggles to ask for support may notice an internal belief that their needs are inconvenient.
These internal patterns were learned for a reason and they were shaped by what was safe to feel, how needs were met or missed, and how approval, care, or attention were given in earlier relationships.
Therapy, and doing this work, isn’t about blame. Therapy about understanding and the choices it then shows you.
Working With the Relationship You Have With Yourself
In my work as a BACP Accredited therapist, often using Transactional Analysis and CBT, we explore these internal patterns at a pace that feels manageable and, importantly, we aren’t try to “fix” you.
Instead, we slow things down and look at how different parts of you learned to cope, what they were responding to and what they are still trying to protect you from.
Over time and as awareness grows, something often shifts internally. Clients tend to feel more grounded in relationships, less pulled into old roles and more able to notice what they feel and respond with intention rather than react with habit.
For many, this layer of therapy feels deeply steadying and, over time, transformative.
Why This Work Matters
When your relationship with yourself becomes more understanding and steady, your experience of relationships with others often changes too.
Boundaries become clearer.
Needs are easier to recognise and express.
Emotional reactions feel less confusing or overwhelming.
The work doesn’t remove difficulty from relationships, but it does start to change how you experience yourself within them. That in itself can be enough.
Is This Kind of Therapy Right for You?
Individual therapy for relationships may be helpful if:
You notice repeated relationship patterns you can’t quite shift
You overfunction or feel responsible for other people’s emotions
You struggle to know what you need
You feel reactive, withdrawn, or disconnected in close relationships
This kind of depth work suits people who want to understand themselves more fully, not just manage symptoms or solve surface problems.
Taking the Next Step
At Roles We Play Counselling, I offer therapy in Beckenham and online across the UK for individuals who want to explore their relationship patterns and, over time, the relationship they have with themselves.
This isn’t couples therapy. It’s individual counselling for relationship difficulties rooted in emotional patterns, early experiences, and internal dynamics.
If you recognise yourself in this, you’re welcome to get in touch to arrange a first session or a consultation call. We can talk through what you’re noticing and whether this approach feels right for you.
