Understanding the Parent, Adult, and Child Model in Transactional Analysis
Have you ever caught yourself saying something and thought, “I sound just like my mum (or dad)”? Or maybe you’ve noticed moments when you react in a way that feels younger, maybe slamming a door, feeling small, or getting defensive even when you know you shouldn’t.
That’s where the Parent, Adult, and Child model, often called the PAC model, can help.
It’s one of the central ideas in Transactional Analysis (TA) and offers a simple, practical way to understand how we think, feel, and behave in different situations.
What the PAC Model Means
According to TA, our personality is made up of three “ego states”:
Parent – the part of us that copies what we saw and heard growing up.
Adult – the part that thinks, reasons, and responds to what’s happening right now.
Child – the part that feels and reacts based on our early experiences and emotions.
These aren’t separate people inside us, they’re different modes we move in and out of throughout daily life and learning to recognise which one is active helps us understand ourselves and others with more compassion.
The Parent Ego State
The Parent is like an internal voice of authority, it holds the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours we absorbed from caregivers, teachers, and other role models.
It can sound like:
“You should know better.”
“That’s not good enough.”
“Don’t cry.”
But the Parent isn’t all bad, it has two main sides:
Nurturing Parent – caring, comforting, and protective. (“It’s okay, take your time.”)
Critical Parent – rule-based, judgmental, or moralising. (“That’s wrong, you need to do better.”)
In therapy, we often explore how these internal voices shape our inner dialogue today, sometimes helping us feel safe and cared for, other times holding us back or fuelling self-criticism.
The Adult Ego State
The Adult is the part of us that lives in the present moment, it listens, observes, and makes decisions based on facts rather than old emotional patterns.
It might say things like:
“Let’s look at the evidence.”
“What are my options here?”
“I feel stressed right now, maybe I need a break.”
When our Adult is active, we’re grounded, rational, and able to respond instead of react.
In therapy, the Adult state helps us slow things down, question automatic thoughts, and make choices that fit the current situation rather than replaying the past.
A strong Adult doesn’t silence the Parent or Child though, rather, it listens to both, considers their input, and makes the final call.
The Child Ego State
The Child is where our emotions, creativity, and spontaneity live, it’s also where our early emotional memories sit, both joyful and painful.
Like the Parent, it has two main sides:
Free Child – playful, expressive, imaginative, and curious.
Adapted Child – compliant, anxious, or rebellious, shaped by what helped us feel safe or gain approval when we were younger.
When you find yourself people-pleasing or avoiding conflict, your Adapted Child may be trying to stay safe.
When you’re laughing freely with friends, your Free Child is shining through.
How We Move Between Them
It’s important to understand that we shift between these states all the time. A disagreement with a partner might start with our Adult, calm and logical, but slip into Child (“You never listen to me!”) or Parent (“You always do this wrong.”)
In therapy, I often help clients notice these shifts as once you can see which ego state you’re speaking from, you can begin to choose a different one, which allows clients to create space for healthier, more balanced responses.
Using the PAC Model in Everyday Life
Notice your inner voice.
Is it critical or caring?
Whose voice does it sound like?
Pause before reacting.
Ask yourself: “Which part of me is speaking right now: Parent, Adult, or Child?”
Strengthen your Adult.
Take a breath, name what you’re feeling, and focus on the present moment.
Your Adult can help you pause, assess, and respond with awareness.
Soften your inner Parent.
Turn “You should have done better” into “You did your best, what can we learn next time?”
Reconnect with your Free Child.
Do something creative or playful simply for the joy of it, not because it’s productive.
Try this: Next time you feel stressed or frustrated, pause and ask yourself: “Who’s speaking right now?”
That simple question can shift you back into your Adult.
Why This Matters in Therapy
Understanding these ego states helps you recognise emotional patterns that may have been running for years.
You might discover that your Critical Parent fuels perfectionism, or your Adapted Child keeps people-pleasing to avoid rejection.
Therapy gives you space to explore these patterns safely, bring compassion to your younger parts, and strengthen your Adult so you can respond more calmly and confidently in everyday life.
Final Thoughts
The Parent, Adult, and Child model isn’t never about blaming your past, it’s always about understanding it.
Once you can recognise which part of you is leading in a situation, you can start making conscious choices that align with who you are today, not who you were told to be.
At Roles We Play Counselling, we explore how these different parts of you interact, helping you step into a more balanced, authentic role in your life.
If this feels familiar, or you’d like to explore how these patterns show up for you, book a counselling session in Beckenham or online.
