The Roles We Play in Relationships, and How to Change Them
Most of us slip into certain roles in our relationships without realising it, maybe you’re always the one who keeps the peace, organises everything, or cracks a joke when things get tense. These roles can feel safe, familiar and even comforting.
But over time, roles can start to feel like cages.
Clients often come to therapy saying things like:
“I’m always the one holding it all together.”
“No one ever asks how I’m really doing.”
“If I don’t do it, no one will.”
Behind those words is usually a quiet sense of weariness, maybe even loneliness. When roles become rigid, they stop being choices and that can lead to resentment, emotional burnout, or a feeling of being stuck in relationships.
Where do these roles come from?
Many of the roles we take on in adulthood are shaped by our early experiences, but they aren’t only about childhood.
Sometimes they’re reinforced by workplace expectations, friendship dynamics, or cultural and family norms. You might have learned early on that staying quiet kept you safe, or that being helpful got you noticed. Those strategies made sense at the time as they helped you fit in, belong, or feel needed.
In Transactional Analysis (TA), we call these unconscious patterns “Life Scripts”, the early decisions we made to survive, which we then carry into adulthood without realising it.
Here are just a few common relationship roles:
The Fixer: Always solving others’ problems, but rarely sharing your own
The Caretaker: Looking after everyone else while quietly burning out
The Achiever: Defining your worth by what you do, not how you feel
The Rebel: Pushing back against expectations, even when it hurts
The Clown: Using humour to deflect from anything serious
These roles aren’t inherently bad but when they become automatic, they can stop you from being fully seen.
What if you could play a different role?
Sometimes, a role that once felt protective or rewarding no longer fits. You might notice:
You’re often exhausted, underappreciated, or stretched too thin
You struggle to express your own needs or preferences
Others rely on you to behave a certain way, even when it hurts
It feels risky or unfamiliar to show vulnerability or set boundaries
If any of that resonates, you’re not alone, and the good news is: roles can change.
How change starts
In therapy, we begin by getting curious, not judgmental, about the patterns you’ve picked up over the years. We look at what worked, what doesn’t anymore, and what’s possible now.
Change isn’t about rejecting who you are, it’s about giving yourself more range. You can still care deeply about others and be allowed to take up space. You can still be competent and capable and not have to carry everything on your own.
Here’s what that might look like in practice:
Name the role – Notice when and how it shows up and then get to know its triggers.
Notice the impact – What toll does it take on your energy, mood, or relationships?
Try something different – In small, manageable ways. Say “no” once. Ask for something. Pause before jumping in.
Reflect – How did it feel? What came up for you? What surprised you?
This reflection helps you learn what fits and what doesn’t anymore.
Therapy as a space to step out of role
Sometimes it’s hard to try new ways of relating when everyone around you expects you to stay the same, and sometimes, you might feel unsure or guilty for stepping outside your usual role. That’s where therapy can help.
In therapy, there’s no need to perform, explain, or prove yourself. It’s one of the few spaces where you can explore who you are underneath the roles, without pressure or judgment.
At Roles We Play Counselling, I offer a space to explore the relationship patterns that no longer serve you. Together, we can look at the scripts you’ve outgrown and gently try out new ways of being that feel more authentic, spacious, and fulfilling.
You don’t have to keep playing the same part.
Especially if it no longer fits.
Feeling stuck in a relationship pattern that drains you?
Let’s explore it together, send me a message or get in touch to book your free first session here.
