Understanding Anger and How to Manage It in Everyday Life
Do you ever find yourself snapping at people you care about, stewing over things long after they’ve happened, or feeling like you’re constantly on edge? Anger can be exhausting, both for you and your relationships.
But Anger gets a bad reputation, people often talk about it as something we need to “get rid of” or “keep under control.” But anger isn’t the enemy, it’s a normal human emotion that can tell us when something feels unfair, unjust, or unsafe. Like every feeling, anger has a purpose, but the problem comes when anger takes over and starts running the show.
In this post, I’ll break down what anger really is, why it shows up, and share some simple, practical ways you can manage it in your daily life.
What Is Anger?
At its core, anger is an emotional response to a perceived threat or injustice, it’s a signal from your brain that something’s not right. Evolutionarily speaking, anger was designed to help us survive, it prepares the body to defend itself, your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense, and your focus sharpens.
But in life today, we’re rarely facing life-or-death situations, more often, anger shows up when we feel disrespected, misunderstood, powerless, or ignored. It can also be a response to stress, exhaustion, or even past unresolved hurt.
Why Do We Get Angry?
Anger usually masks other feelings underneath. In Transactional Analysis (TA), we often talk about how anger can be a response from our "Child" or "Parent" ego states. Sometimes, it’s a learned response from childhood, maybe you were taught to use anger to be heard or maybe it was safer to show anger than sadness or fear.
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we often look at the thoughts that drive anger. You might be thinking, “They’re disrespecting me,” or “This always happens to me,” which fuels the emotional fire.
Knowing why you get angry can help you step back and respond differently.
How Anger Feels in Your Body and Mind
When you’re angry, your body gets ready for action. You might notice:
Tense shoulders or clenched jaw
Faster breathing
A racing heart
Feeling hot or shaky
Mentally, you might find it hard to think clearly -your thoughts might race, and you might get stuck in a loop of blame or criticism, whether it’s aimed at yourself or others.
Practical Ways to Manage Anger
You don’t need to “never feel angry”, but you can learn to notice the signs early and choose how you respond. Here are some tools I often share with clients in therapy:
1. Pause Before You React
Anger pushes us to act fast. Take a moment to pause. Count to ten, take a breath, or excuse yourself from the situation if you can, giving yourself space can prevent saying or doing something you might regret.
2. Name What You’re Feeling
Often, when we’re angry, there’s something else going on underneath. Are you feeling hurt? Scared? Disrespected? Naming the feeling helps you understand yourself better. You might say to yourself, “I’m feeling frustrated because I don’t feel heard.” In TA, this can help you shift from a reactive ‘Child’ or ‘Parent’ ego state back into your ‘Adult,’ where you have more choice in how to respond.
3. Breathing Exercises
When you feel anger rising, your breath usually gets shallow. Try slowing it down. Breathe in slowly for a count of four, hold for four, and breathe out for four. This helps calm your nervous system and brings you back into the present moment.
4. Grounding Techniques
Anger can make you feel out of control, grounding helps bring you back into your body. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 method: notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. You can find more grounding techniques here: 5 Practical Grounding Techniques to Manage Anxiety Right Now
5. Write It Down
Journaling can be a powerful tool for processing anger. Write about what happened, how you felt, and what you wanted in that moment as sometimes, getting it out on paper reduces the emotional charge.
6. Set Boundaries
If the same situation keeps triggering your anger, it might be time to set some boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about controlling others; they’re about protecting your own wellbeing, for example, if someone often criticizes you, you can say, “I’m not okay with being spoken to like that. If it continues, I’ll need to take a break from this conversation.”
7. Move Your Body
Physical movement helps release the adrenaline that builds up when you’re angry. Try going for a walk, stretch, or do some star jumps in the living room, whatever works for you.
8. Talk It Through
Sometimes anger needs to be expressed, but in a safe and respectful way, that could mean having an honest conversation with someone, or talking to a therapist who can help you make sense of what’s going on.
Final Thoughts
Anger is a normal part of being human. It’s not about “getting rid” of it, but learning how to notice it, understand it, and choose how to act, and remember, if you often feel overwhelmed by anger or find it’s affecting your relationships, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you unpack what’s really going on and give you practical tools to manage it.
At Roles We Play Counselling, I work with people to understand their emotions, including anger, in a safe and non-judgmental space. If you’d like to explore how therapy could help you, get in touch to book a free consultation.
