Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Adult Life
"I know I shouldn’t overthink it, but when they don’t reply straight away, I panic."
"Every time someone gets too close, I find a way to push them away."
"I want to feel secure in love, but I don’t know how."
If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone. While you might think these are simply personality quirks, they could instead be clues about your attachment style. And while attachment patterns usually start in childhood, they often follow us into adult relationships, friendships, parenting, and even how we show up at work.
Understanding your attachment style is about recognising patterns that formed for a reason, and deciding what you want to do with them now.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological model that explains how our earliest relationships, especially with caregivers, shape the way we connect with others.
When we're young, we rely on caregivers for safety, comfort, and emotional regulation and over time, we develop internal templates or "rules" about what to expect from others and how to protect ourselves from rejection, neglect, or overwhelm.
These early adaptations become our attachment style, a kind of emotional muscle memory that influences how we relate as adults.
The Four Main Attachment Styles Explained
Secure Attachment
You’re able to connect with others while still feeling okay on your own. You trust that people care, and you feel safe expressing needs, setting boundaries, and receiving support.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
You crave closeness but often fear rejection or abandonment. You might need frequent reassurance and struggle with trusting others fully. You may replay conversations or feel "too much."
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
You value independence and might feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. You tend to rely on yourself, downplay your needs, and keep people at arm’s length.
Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
You want connection but fear it at the same time. Relationships can feel confusing or unsafe, often swinging between pulling close and pushing away.
These styles aren’t fixed, look at them as patterns which can shift over time, especially in safe, supportive relationships.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Adult Life
Romantic Relationships
Worrying your partner will leave if they see the “real you”
Needing constant closeness or fearing it entirely
Struggling to express your needs clearly
Feeling triggered by silence, space, or miscommunication
Friendships
Feeling like the “giver” or fixer
Avoiding emotional closeness
Taking things personally when plans change
Drifting away rather than dealing with conflict
Work
Seeking approval from managers or colleagues
Feeling anxious about performance or letting people down
Avoiding collaboration or feedback
Overworking to prove your worth
Parenting
Feeling unsure how much support vs independence to offer
Reacting strongly when your child pulls away or acts out
Wanting to parent differently from how you were raised, but feeling stuck in old patterns
It’s Not About Blame
Attachment styles don’t mean something’s “wrong” with you. They’re protective strategies that made sense at one point in your life, you didn’t choose them consciously, but you can learn to notice them, understand them, and start to loosen their grip.
Even if you grew up with a secure foundation, later life experiences like trauma, grief, or relational rupture can shape the way you attach today.
How Therapy Helps
In therapy, we often look at these early relationship patterns, not to assign blame, but to explore how they shaped the roles you learned to play. From a TA perspective, these roles were often protective responses to the emotional environment you grew up in. From a CBT point of view, we might explore the beliefs and thoughts you’ve carried with you, like “I always mess things up” or “It’s safer to be on my own.”
Therapy can offer a safe, consistent relationship where you experience something different. Over time, this can help rebuild your internal sense of safety, trust, and self-worth. You don’t have to do this work alone.
Ready to Explore Your Own Patterns?
At Roles We Play Counselling, I offer a calm space to explore how your early relationships may still be shaping your adult life and how that might be affecting your confidence, communication, or connection with others.
If you're curious about your attachment style or simply want to feel more secure in yourself, you’re welcome to get in touch.
The first session is free.
